Roller Coaster

Well its another year and my daughter would be 10 yrs old this year. The years sometimes seem to be getting away from me. I mess up because I act on impulse on things and don’t think them completely through. I just want to wake up one day where my head isn’t mixed up or I am not over thinking or over doing something, my emotions are like a freaking roller coaster and I hate everything about it. My health sucks. Used to be able to walk and exercise and not worry about my body not hurting like a tooth ache later on.

I find it very hard to remember what I was about before the storm of 09.. we had a bad snowstorm that year, but my blizzard happened long before that but it was tears of emotions. I really hate this time of year. I am normally very alone around this time of year, but right now I am really alone. Living on my own is very hard right now because I am always ALWAYS in my head, and am I doing this or that wrong. My body and my mind takes on a life of its own around this time of year and I am not free of it till almost spring. I gotta overcome this roller coaster, but I just can’t.

I don’t know that is I can’t maybe this year can be the year that this is not to hard for me. But Lily will have Birthdays every year. We celebrate but that doesn’t mean that I miss her any less. Being a Mom is not an easy job at all. I have a 15 yr old who thinks that I don’t want her and that is so far from the truth. Moving out on my own seemed like such a good thing, but am I missing out on things. I am 5 mins up the road, but my daughter does not talk to me. Am I that hard to confide in. Am I really that broken??? I don’t wanna be broken no more. I want to feel better about things and this hurt I feel all the time, I feel so alone and so many people just do not get how this feels.

I have so many things to be or feel blessed for. I have an awesome 15 year old. She might not think so but she is. I love being her Mom and buying her flowers. Loving her. I am alive.  I wake up and see the sun shining. I am healthy for the most part. My health that was really bad at one time has gotten better. I am just so hard on myself. There is not one person harder on me than me. I just want to do good, but that brings me back to always being in my head and wondering if I am okay or not. However, I pray to God and he listens to me.  Maybe this is one situation that he can make me feel better about. My spirituality is very important to me. It keeps my head above the water when I feel like I am drowning. Summer 2018 046



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